I’m following your advice and taking as many anxiety pills as I can but it doesn’t seem to be helping. What a difficult situation for you now that I’m so inexplicably broken and recalcitrant. I’m a bit confused though: at what point did you realize that ‘the anxiety’ was ‘my’ problem that I shouldn’t impose on others? Was it when you realized that my genes weren’t derived from yours? Was it when you noticed I was excruciatingly shy? Was it when you noticed that I was “a runt” and should therefore be expected to fail socially?…hmm, is that what you were thinking when you chose to breed??
Really, I’m stuffing as many pills down as possible p’dippatard, but I still have trouble making sense of certain things. Thank you for reminding me to take my anxiety pills though, because that will obviously clear things up. Say…at what point did you realize that both of your children’s destroyed lives were bad luck for you…but of course, not as a result of you?
Was it when you married another short social and emotional zero like yourself to breed with? Or was it perhaps when you took up sociology so that you could get excited about environmental explanations for certain people or groups of people’s inferiorities…such as, for example, yours…and all indians’ really? It’s fine though since the white masters rewarded you for repeating the scripts they fed you…you know: your many ‘friends’. Luckily we know that just because your ‘field’ is human environments doesn’t mean that’s relevant because human environments clearly have nothing to do with the shockingly abusive lives your children have had to endure.
It’s all a bit hard to follow but I know you surely must be right that you and your mentally slow (your words) sidekick were obviously just normal people and good parents. Which makes it all the more incredible that two such normal parents as yourselves can have such terrible luck with their children! When did you finally see the light that the two of you had nothing to do with my and your daughter’s devastating life stories, that are now both managed under a ‘mental health’ rubric?
Well, it surely wouldn’t have been when you acknowledged to my 1st grade teacher that I was very shy, so when? It must have been when I was born right? When you immediately dropped me off with my grandmother in Paris to look after me for the first 6 months of my life (if not longer)…even though I was born in switzerland for unknown reasons. (Just an aside: that must be why your sidekick wasn’t pleased that I dropped of t during the exam period right? Because that’s only appropriate when you’re dropping off your newborn.) But you know, I think I do remember. It was when I was suddenly worthy of being noticed because you had some ‘friends’ over in britain. You know, the only times ever when you would pick me up even though you clearly had no regard for my comfort since the only reason I remember is that it hurt my armpits…well, also like I said, because it only happened in front of other people. That would have been around the same time that you realized your irrelevance to your children’s nightmare existences after sidekick responded in a pathetic shaky voice that even I as a 3 yr old remember as standing out, that she only smokes socially. Was that when? No? Hmm.
Let’s see then, would it have been when you gave me a shitty helicopter toy as though you cared how I felt right before my fourth birthday in britain, to take a flight to xxx on what I now presume was September 11? The one that you pretended to have given me to make me feel better but that you complained about when I tried to play with? I can’t remember if I was even allowed to take it with me: just like the only Christmas gift I ever really liked, the xxx xxxxx little car, that you didn’t take to and yet also chose never to replace despite the fact that it wasn’t even expensive. No? Was it when you had three of your white socialist ‘friends’ over and told me I had to ‘share’ my chocolates with everyone, following which they all declined because you’d portrayed me as miserly? Was it when you then heard me weeping for feeling rejected and publicly embarrassed so you called me back into the room, declaring my emotional damage to everyone so that I could then humiliatingly walk around the living room all over again with the chocolates and have each of the white socialist ‘friends’ take one with, quite frankly, hostile and alienating looks on their faces? Was it when we were walking down the street and I saw a dead baby bird and asked what happened? I asked if the baby bird went to heaven and you said yes it did even though the body is still on earth. You know what I remember the most about that? The white socialist ‘friends’. They were visibly irritated for some reason, and conveyed a bizarre uninvolved air of superior distaste…almost like they wanted us to know that they despised us. (But that’s crazy because I know you have many ‘friends’.) Well if not that then, when? Was it perhaps when your not too bright sidekick had to take me to the doctor in Paris when I was 8 because xxxxx xx xxxx? (Of course, as she repeatedly claimed, she had done her job…Really? In retrospect I think it’s pretty obvious that she lied to protect her reputation from being associated with the very serious and very evident child neglect.) Or was it when she told me to stop scratching my face after she saw red claw marks running down my cheek that I’d inflicted on myself when I was 9? Maybe it was when you will have inescapably had to have fouund the sheets of paper in my bedroom desk a year later on which I had forced myself to write “I am stupid” over and over and over all the way down the pages? Was it perhaps when you grounded me after your daughter (who was born an extraverted leader yet was strangely also destroyed, just terrible luck of course) ‘told on me’ for having said that I didn’t like school in front of her friend’s mother? Maybe, oh yes now I know, it was when you had to tell your daughter to stop visiting her best friend xxxxx…the neighbour’s dog. No? Was it when you intervened in our lives to prevent us from continuing to play with our new friends on our street, with the dog named xxxxxxx, because they were younger than us? That must’ve been pretty important since you almost never paid attention to our lives apart from our school grades. Curiously though, I’ve noticed that many other people had groups of friends from their neighbourhoods who were younger than them…I guess their parents just were not on the ball were they? Luckily for them though, and of course we know it’s just luck, their children ended up doing pretty well in life…isn’t that funny? Haha, who would’ve guessed?! Those parents must also have had the school express concern about the fact that their son was crying in class on a daily basis, because that’s normal right? Good thing for you that it was just ‘allergies’…and therefore of no concern…right? It was also the fact that I never ever got enough sleep, ever. That’s also not relevant, thankfully for you. So it must have been when I imitated a phrase from the schoolyard spoken by xxxx xxxxxxxxx and said “Aw shut up ya stupid idiot” while we were trick or treating. That must have been when you realized that I, 10 yrs old at the most, was just bad luck. Nothing to do with you obviously. Why would I want to be anything like the other, obviously happier and more socially developed children in my environment? That’s crazy right?! Well then it must have been when xxxxxxxx xxxx’ mother had to ask what the terrible odour in her house was and I was then identified as having abjectly malodorous socks when I was eleven. Of course, that has nothing to do with your retarded sidekick who did the laundry. I had to beat the crusty socks against a desk corner in the morning…yet she had seen fit not to notice, because she’s normal and it’s all been terribly bad luck. After that we moved to xxxxxxx, the bigger city, because you and your daughter wanted it. She wanted the move because she had been a social outcast since around the age of eleven (which I also believe was when you had her skip a grade). Luckily for her, and for you of course, she was very happy and successful after that. Telling herself the propaganda you fed her about how she was better than the others in xxxxxxxxxxxx and that’s why she’s happier in xxxxxxx…right? Except that her happiness turned out to be surprising hollow and surprisingly short-lived…and to have been based on total bullshit. Total bullshit that came at my expense.
You know it’s curious, I can’t think of any occasion in which parents of incontrovertibly destroyed children try to pretend it’s not a reflection on them. I always knew the two of you were fucking weird but as I get older I notice it more and more…I realize just how fucking appalling my life was, being ‘raised’ by two child abusers. Because that’s really what it comes down to even if it never meets the ridiculous criteria used by ‘psyk-ologists’. And those are the only parents who ever do that, pretend it’s not related to them or their parenting. You two must have been so happy when your daughter found herself in a reversal of fortunes at my expense, quickly telling herself that she was actually normal and developing a new unwarranted confidence based on her grades…and being female. In fact, she quickly told herself that she was super important and hot after several males, usually drunk, tried to fuck her. Then she fucked a black guy on a trip to xxxxxx, wow what a lucky daughter! What’s that now? What’s wrong? You’re not happy? But I thought that was why she deserved to be so confident and happy. As a matter of fact, I was also under the impression that that’s why two people from completely different parts of the world should be breeding…did I misunderstand? She also hung around a few other pahkindoodoorats in xxrxxxo…who were all, as I recall, unhealthy and unhappy people… But she must’ve been happy since she went to mcgill, you know, for being superior to me. I’m putting it that way because, amazingly, that turns out to have been a big part of what guided her life choices and provided her with a sense of well being. She must have had such a marvellous, stellar life from then on! Well…except that she didn’t. Except that she spent her time being abused by strange men and trying desperately to convince herself that it was evidence not of her deeply seated emotional disturbances but of her success and desirability. A strategy that failed remarkably quickly as soon as I was no longer in the picture to make her look good…and to have that distinction reinforced by the two of you. In fact, by the age of 19 it was no longer contentious that she was actually unhappy. By the age of 22 it was also getting hard not to notice that her confidence was based on bullshit and had never even been real. By the age of 23 when she was in grad school for religion, which she did an extra year for since it hadn’t been her undergrad major, so as to ensure that I couldn’t get any approval for having taken some religion courses, well by that time it was incontrovertible that she was, shockingly…a completely broken fucking loser. She struggled through those years and checked out of school as soon as she graduated, choosing not to even consider a phd or professional programs. Kind of strange. From there I only really know what everyone else including her many psychiatrists knows: that she went fuckin’ loony tunes. Chasing men around like a pathetic clown. She finally got one guy to date her because she’d acted extroverted again and lied to him that she was into sports when she was wasted at a party. And speaking of luck, it wasn’t all bad for her because the guy actually stayed with her. Yet curiously, all the luck strangely vanished when she lost her mind again and left him suddenly. She left him suddenly because she had been throwing herself at strange men again, now in France, and perhaps most interestingly, had started stalking one of her distant French cousins. He was seriously getting concerned, even wondering if he should call the police. I’m not sure if that was when she first went to a mental hospital…her own stories vary so much these days, which is strange for someone who was so well raised by great parents, right? I understand she also went to india and pretended to be a healthy person, doing nonsense quasi academic documentary posturing about tigers and other western NGO bullshit. She also immediately married a hindoodoo who she very quickly left and eventually divorced. Back in x she just kept spiralling farther and farther down: you remember right? It had already started after the first French saga, of follies, when I had just married an internet 3rd world cult bride. I’m guessing that also wore heavy on her mexican jumping bean brow. And it wasn’t just her brow: she had developed a very noticeable facial tick that traveled around her face, usually starting from one of the corners of her mouth…what terrible luck for you two totally normal parents. Then she went back to France and quickly began demonstrating dramatic evidence of being, once again, completely and of course inexplicably, cuckoo. She actually found yet another French cousin to stalk and this time people intervened and had her hospitalized. She tells me things that don’t always make sense and it seems like her memory changes to protect herself from the shame. Like how she told me that she voluntarily checked herself into a loony bin, yet when I fished for details it became obvious that the person she’d stalked had ‘suggested’ it and had even ‘helped’ her by taking her to the mental ward…Bad luck for you two since you clearly had nothing to do with her now very obviously horrible nightmare of a life: and one that started as a nightmare very early. I guess she must have been ‘raped’…right? Is that what the two of you tell each other? The great thing about her is that no one would ever get charged with raping her since she had a total inability to stop herself from practically demanding it: as a healthy woman with normal parents would have… I must admit though…even I’m starting to wonder at this point, I mean golly gee, of course I know you two are just the greatest people but some people looking at the situation from the wrong vantage point might…nah that’s just crazy.
But hey, I’m sure your many ‘friends’ know just how terribly burdened you were with me, at least, right? Are you sure? DON’T COUNT ON IT.
In fact, I will guarantee you that they do not consider my sorry life a laughing matter nor one that doesn’t reflect *extremely* badly on you. Come to think of it, I believe I initially got to see a psychiatrist at the already very tired very damaged age of 17 because one of these ‘friends’ didn’t seem to quite get your humour about me and volunteered her own psychiatrist’s name and number. She was a real piece of shit and was companion to a ‘friend’ who was (is?), quite honestly, an amazingly demoralizing example of everything wrong with you and the two dead inside people you were steered into conceiving thanks to self-interested liars…and someone who’s very curiously better connected with a certain crowd of consequence in x than I think you even realize, which is another subject for a less public audience. The companion responded with the usual faith-based new left support for ‘progress’ and its satanically dishonest psychoanalytical chic. Without her intervention I’d have been deprived of bizarrely useless ‘doctors’ whose job is to fabulate anything and everything to prevent people from realizing that the tribe and its pathetic stooge allies harvested human misery that no amount of pills or metaphoric story telling misappropriated as ‘science’ will ever offset. There’s actually something seriously wrong with everyone in your tiny circle of ‘friends’ but even a stranger waiting at a bus stop with you start to wonder, would know you fucked up irreversibly. As I said, I’ve never actually heard of any parents ever being so cavalier, whether with others or themselves, about their now adult children’s shockingly tragic and mentally deranged lives. Usually the parents in those situations would be a little more concerned about their place in the afterlife at the very least…assuming they’re so far gone that they don’t even care about their children’s well being. Because it’s pretty obvious. Now that I’m older I realize the extent to which my upbringing was an obviously ridiculous freak show. It was all about a strange obsession with claiming educational superiority to compensate for obvious social and emotional retardations. And in the case of the retarded sidekick, using the neglected (and abused) children to compensate for her own disgusting mental weaknesses. Your whole existence and marriage is sad and guess what? Even children of divorced parents ended up better off than we did…Hmm, weird, why is that? Well, you’ve got your stellar daughter right? WRONG AGAIN THERE AREN’T YOU?
She floated by on certain privileges, some at my expense, but eventually that house of cards also showed you up for your not so stellar parenting, didn’t it? She must surely have an innate mental problem and an anxiety disorder since that’s apparently what you think separates my living hell from your failure as people. Wrong again though aren’t you?!? Oh I get it: she must have been raped…right? Keep dreaming if you think anyone will see that as relevant even if they’re stupid enough to believe it. She lost her fucking mind and wiped out in life just like me and if anything it was actually worse, certainly more dramatically noticeable since she floated on bullshit and functional alcoholism up until her mid 30s before completely falling apart.
But don’t feel too bad: if you play your cards right you might be able to win her back over to your nonsense and she might even take up her traditional role in your deranged cult again, as the ‘capo’ who keeps me in line. Then you can claim that it’s just me again, and not you. Well….except for one thing: no one will believe it. They’re going to know full fucking well that she wiped out, like me, because she was badly — and I mean beyond words BADLY — raised by SHIT. Every one of your ‘friends’ (a matter I will be discussing later) is going to see what you’re up to. They’re going to see that you choose whatever made up version of ‘reality’ that suits your selfish hollow interests. A bit like how the psychologist initially tried to seem important to herself by telling me that I would qualify for odsp and that she’d write a special super important note for me…Yet later, when I decided to go ahead with her self-aggrandizing plan she suddenly came up with a completely bizarre reversal claiming that people shouldn’t go on it because once you’re on it you can never get off. Which was, as I later discovered, an unequivocal lie. That’s pretty fucked up right?…Someone paid to support their vulnerable clients’ interests but who obviously gets away with taking money to fabulate weakly supported jargon that they think makes them seem important. To add injury to insult their grandstanding actually results in exactly zero actions on their part that might apparently help the vulnerable client, since it’s all bullshit they spew to inflate their delusions of grandeur in the first place…meaning the result of their widely flexible discretion is that it’s actually a licence to neglect and, if they play their cards right, even harm the clients they’re supposed to protect. Kind of crazy right? Imagine if parents did the same with their children. No really, I assure you, it happens. Like when they fail to notice the very obvious reasons for why their children are spiralling downward in life and then actually ridicule requests for a therapist…until another adult actually gets them to take it seriously. I mean wow.
I’m so innately disabled and have to wash down so many pills with alcohol that it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with you though. Especially since your main display pod was so successful. Successful in a Parisian mental hospital. It turns out that your get out of jail free cards don’t hold up and for most of my life story’s strange tragedies aren’t even relevant. Just like it won’t hold up when you try to pretend your daughter is normal. Here’s a dose of reality for you: no one, and I mean no one, who actually knows even just a bit of her story will see her as anything other than mentally ill and unambiguously destroyed, same as me. Nor will they even take you seriously ever again. They’re going to know that something went way fucking wrong well well well beyond any pathetic explanations you offer. Everyone knows that you two are not only FREAKS but that you also DESTROYED YOUR CHILDREN.
Yet, amazingly, you still try to believe your self-exculpatory lies, even desperately trying to use the children you destroyed to bolster your own mentally ill desires for status. When I embarrass you I get thrown under the bus…Then when your daughter embarrasses you she gets thrown under…With that retard trying to associate with whoever she thinks has more status…First the daughter based on mcgill…Then the damaged son because he went to law school as the daughter starts to become seriously embarrassing. Reminds me of mr blinker, the fake socialist ‘friend’ who x tries to impress like a fucking down syndrome slut wearing make up. Like all of the white socialists, his whole life is just a lot of hot air that he learned to use to satisfy some of his more selfish and delusionally elitist postures. Poor x though. I guess she would have wanted to marry him if only she wasn’t a retard. So she had to settle for a ridiculous manipulated campus paki instead…which so many ‘friends’ seemed to think was such a great idea.
Who are are they again? I know that you somehow forced M, the tall white pseudo progressive anthropologist, to become your ‘friend’ because it turned out that he was in the same british boarding school as you in india …(supposedly). I remember overhearing something very sad and very pathetic which you kept repeating in an excited, almost shrill, voice. Since that guy likes to think he’s not racist it wasn’t hard for him to be bullied into pretending to be your friend. What’s the phrase again?…’hoist by his own petard’ ? HAHAHAHAHA. That guy’s your only ‘friend’ right? That’s funny since two people selected to be pioneers in a social, cultural, and biological experiment would usually have to be pretty psychologically intact, healthy and generally secure, advanced people right? So you must have a whole bunch of secret friends no one knows about. Maybe they’re invisible and only exist in your mind. Or maybe they’re your socialist ‘friends’ from britain. You know, it’s funny…after you ‘decided independently and totally of your own free will’ to leave a plum role in europe and go to that little anglo town to be a prop, oh sorry I mean a prof, at the strangely ‘leftist’ university that the most conservative people on the planet actually created, after that it doesn’t seem like your many ‘friends’ were really around much were they? All those leftists…socialists mostly right? Although a few of them were also more of the true commie style soviet cheerleaders too I think…right? Where did they all disappear to? I know that for a while you were a friendly associate of a certain D.P. because he liked to play the part too, you know, as a cool ‘new left’ ‘intellectual’…and if I recall correctly, as a gay pedophile as well. What about your ‘very good friend’ mr goldstick? He must have just been too busy to spend any time with you after securing you as a dupe for the new phoney campus. I use his name because for some reason it’s been decided that he should be publicly known to have been on some sort of anti-commie rcmp surveillance list (which shall later be further discussed). I guess he was so surveilled that he had to never leave his room to talk to any very good friends such as yourself.
He’s jewish right? Were a lot of your other ‘friends’ jewish? Were they gays? Pedophiles? Anyway. They must all be eating at the jews only orthodox restaurants. That’s why they can’t spend more time enjoying the great ‘friendship’ they have with you. Terrible for those poor helpless jewish ‘friends’ that they were targeted by the nasty canardian secret police isn’t it? Yeah…terrible like a fox, right?..Actually I think it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful to see the self-satisfied 7th generation scottish canardians have bend over…AND TAKE TELEVISED KOSHER REAMINGS RIGHT UP THEIR ASSES, HAHAHA.
My worse nightmare from the age of 9 came true: social misfit and outcast, failed, disrespected, irretrievably alienated from human connection, forced to abandon personal and intellectual truth…knowingly living in delusion. I can’t thank you all enough…or is there a way to express my full gratitude?…