the dirt of reproduction

What is the ultimate failure, the most complete waste of being? I would say it is for a human to exist without any real possibility of meeting its needs, so that it ends up living in permanent frustration. The only way for that not to be terrible is to make it relative to physical or mental pain. But even though it is a luxury for me to live in a state of hopeless and nihilistic neutrality when compared to what my life was like in the past, it is nevertheless a form of existence that ought to be snuffed out. Instead of existing with action and addition to my experience, my only motivations are reactive and negate what conscious existence I have. I am already on a variety of psychoactive medications and see no good reason why I shouldn’t add as much intoxication to my life as possible since that is the only way I can find some kind of respite and illusory ‘joy’. None of the real world experiences can ever bring joy for someone who already exists as a humiliated failure in a context in which the pride of ranking above others in contests governs well-being and a person’s value. A paradoxically self-aware and voluntary ‘false consciousness’ is the best I might ever hope for and the only way to achieve that is temporarily through drugs. How can motivation be sustained when it becomes clear that one is not intellectually capable of realizing the goals which would motivate them if they thought they might be capable? There is something dirty and evil about existing with the ability to appreciate your worthlessness, even to yourself, without the ability to do anything about it.

As for working toward improvement and change, why would I when I already know that the standards of success out of which I have been molded are, regardless of how and why that became the case, inaccessible to me in reality? The whole process of social and political activism requires superior abilities, so anyone with a real interest in doing it is automatically disqualified. It seems that a late abortion for everyone who is unhappy is the only true humanism. Me first!

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